Coffee With the Enemy

We all have people in our lives who rub us the wrong way. Some have even gone as far as to plunge a long, sharp knife deep into our back. So what do you do when God says “be a blessing to your enemy”? You have a choice to obey – or not – just like with anything else. But when God is asking you to step out and be vulnerable, He is not doing it to harm you. There is a greater purpose involved. We may never know what it is, but then that’s why HE is God and we are not. Fortunately, God created coffee on the third day and called it good. I completely agree. As for sharing with my enemy…well, I’m not real crazy about that but I’m doing it anyway.

I’m actually sitting in a local coffee shop right now. Waiting to meet with someone I honestly wish just did not exist. I’m going to buy this person coffee or tea or whatever. And I’m going to use a gift card that I won just yesterday. Because God said to do it. The worst part is that God also said “just listen.” I don’t want to “just listen!” I have an earful to give this person, if only I could. I imagine I will be nearly biting my tongue off by the end of it, but I’m going to do what God said to do. And I’m going to trust that He knows best. He knows what the purpose of this is. And He knows what the outcome will be. He even knows whether or not I will actually keep my mouth shut, something else I do not have knowledge of. My heart is <mostly> willing, but my flesh is about as weak as they come.

My guest is four minutes late. I came half an hour early, to kind of get my bearings and quiet my spirit as much as possible. Every time the door opens I cringe inside.  I don’t want to do this. But now my guest has arrived…

---

Well, that was just weird. And awkward. And I don’t really know what to make of it. A lot of uncomfortable silence. A lot of talk about this that and the other thing. I made small talk. I agreed with some things that were said. But for the most part, I kept my tongue in check. Not like I was planning on going on some kind of rant and rave…although I could have reached down deep inside and pulled that knife out…and used it.  

But…God said “just listen.” There was even an offer for me to get whatever I had to say off my heart, but I said “No, God said listen and that’s what I’m doing.”

I can’t tell you what a miracle that was. That I was obedient. That I was immediately obedient. And that I kept my tongue under control…well, that is definitely an amazing feat of biblical proportions, believe me!

What will come of it? I don’t know. I didn’t notify my guest that I planned on buying and they bought a drink before sitting down. So, I explained about the gift card and slid it over. I blessed my enemy today. Only good can come of that, right? I’m trying not to think about the times before when treachery followed blessing. I’m trying to trust that God will use this situation for the good of all involved.

I am afraid the other party thinks we will do more of this in the future. It’s not something I’m necessarily wanting to do. But if God says “Do It” then I will. I don’t have the privilege of seeing the Big Picture, so I don’t know how this odd-shaped piece fits into the puzzle. Guess that’s why He’s God and I am…simply not.

SOAP Devotion: The Disciplined Mind

After using the SOAP format for a few weeks, I've found that I really like it. Well enough to switch my devotional posts over to a collaborative blog I'm doing with a dear friend of mine, where we are both searching for God's pure, unadulterated Truth.

I've begun studying a book by Nancy Leigh DeMoss, Lies Women Believe and the Truth That Sets Them Free, along with the companion study Walking In The Truth. I'll be using the SOAP format to post what Truth God is revealing to me through this study.  Today, I learned about having a disciplined mind.

So, grab a cup of coffee and head on over to A Cup of Truth and join us as we discover just what Truth is...

A Cup of Truth:  The Disciplined Mind

Do you ever pay attention to your mind? Do you “take every thought captive”, as the Word admonishes? Or, are your thoughts running amok throughout the day? God doesn’t tell us to take our thoughts captive for no reason…we have an enemy bent on destroying us and all that we hold dear.  [read more here...]

SOAP Devotion: Romans 3

Ever have one of those mornings (or whenever you have your quiet devotional time) where you just can’t seem to focus on what you’re reading? As I asked the Lord what to read today, one verse kept running through my head…I couldn’t remember where it was exactly, but knew it was in Romans. I thought Romans 8, and read that…but that wasn’t it. So I looked up the verse and it was Romans 3…I had to struggle to stay focused this morning…perhaps it’s the Pharisee in me that didn’t want to hear truth today…

Today's reading is Romans 3

Scripture:  For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23

Observation: There is no one above sin, not me or anyone else. I should not hold another to a higher standard than I hold for myself.

Application: It’s so easy to judge others. I know the Bible says, and unbelievers are quite quick to point out, “judge not, lest ye be judged”, but still, it’s human nature to point out the flaws in others while ignoring the same, and sometimes even worse, flaws in ourselves.  It is completely wrong to expect someone to live up to standards that we ourselves can’t…or won’t…live up to…and yet, we still do just that.

I try to keep in mind that God is working on everyone, not just me. Everyone in the world is in varying stages of the process of perfection…from completely raw material (the unbeliever) to an almost polished gem (a precious saint moments away from finally seeing glory).  What's harder to do, however, is to remember that I often struggle with the same sins and flaws as the person who’s character I am critiquing.

ALL have sinned…even me…and fall short of the glory of God…even me. If I can remember that, will it be easier to find grace for those in my life who are difficult to deal with? I struggle with that fine line between grace and enabling. It’s not always so clear. That is where I just simply must be able to hear the Father’s voice, directing me in what to say and do in order to best help a person.  Being too harsh isn’t any more helpful than being too lenient…there just has to be balance. God has to be in the equation to balance things out.

Prayer: Father, thank You for Your grace and mercy…even though I sin and sin again. Help me to be able to show the same tender love, grace and mercy to others. Help me to not condemn another for a sin I also commit…help me to have compassion, to hear Your voice directing my words and actions. Help me to remember to allow You into the equation in order to find balance…for You cancel out the negatives in me and add the positives that are lacking. Thank You for what You have already done in my heart and mind toward those who have, in the past, been hurtful. Thank You for helping me see that You are diligently working in their lives too.

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SOAP Devotion: Proverbs 12

Do you ever get angry? I mean really, explosively angry? It is such an out-of-control feeling! And far too often, others get hurt because we are out of control. 


This morning, I went back to bed after seeing my honey off to work...the little girl I babysit wasn't coming until 9:00, it was rainy and dreary and just perfect for sleeping in. I should have stayed up and had my devotion time...that helps so much when it comes to controlling anger...to be plugged in and connected with God's grace for the day. And when that sippy cup fell onto my toe - good grief, who knew a half-empty sippy cup could feel like a boulder when it hits your toe - I had a hard time not exploding.  Only a few weeks ago, I probably would have...but feeling better makes it easier to keep those emotions in check. Still, I knew I needed to get connected with God before the rest of the day happened...and happened badly.

Proverbs 12 is full of great advice. Diligence and laziness, righteousness and wickedness, the wise and the foolish. I can’t say I’m surprised at what God brought to my attention this morning…and since I am wise, I will love correction and follow this excellent advice regarding anger…

Today’s Reading is Proverbs 12.

Scripture:  A fool's anger is known at once, but a cautious person slighted conceals his feelings. Proverbs 12:16

Observation: There are a good many angry fools in society today. Restraining one’s emotions requires maturity and wisdom, and a cautious person is one who can keep their emotions in check, even when slighted.

Application:  I’ve had issues with anger for many years. Thankfully, God has worked on that wrinkle in my character faithfully and steadily.  As I have matured, it has become easier to not get carried away by my emotions and blow up like a volcano whenever something makes me angry or when I feel that my “rights” have been violated. Isn’t that what we feel when we’re slighted by someone?

A fool immediately reacts to a situation, and lets himself get carried away by his feelings. Things get said that hurt others. Things sometimes get broken. And many times, others can get physically hurt.  They are only thinking of themselves and their own feelings, not at all of the other person...except maybe of hurting them in retaliation. It is selfish an immature. Ouch, God...that one really hurts.

A wise person is cautious…he considers possible responses to a situation before opening his mouth. He knows the power of words to hurt or to heal, and chooses to not use hurtful words.  He is cautious, because he knows that how he responds to the situation can either defuse it or ignite it further.

I have to admit that I’m not always wise. Some of that has been because of health issues…and while I’m not trying to use that as an excuse, it is difficult sometimes when you feel terrible or your hormones are all wacked out, to retain a grip on wisdom and prudence.  I look back at some of the things that have made me explode, and really…how ridiculous I was to allow such a little thing have so much control over ME. I am in charge of myself, not some fickle and childish emotion.

And when I see the influence my anger has had on my children, I just want to cry. I know God has forgiven me every time I blow it and repent…but I have a hard time forgiving myself. Especially when little arms have hugged my neck and precious voices say “I ‘give you, Mommy.” They shouldn’t have to say that…but I am glad that God uses even my sin to bring about Christlikeness in my children. They forgive so easily, without even a second thought…they have such sweet and tender hearts.

I long to be that quiet, peaceful, and humble-spirited wife and mother…but it just doesn’t seem to be in me some days. Ok, most days, to be honest.  I know that God created me to be that way, He just has a lot of hard rock to chisel away before it can be revealed, I guess.

Prayer: Father, forgive me again for allowing my emotions to rule my behavior. Help me to be wise and cautious…to always RESPOND instead of REACT to every situation. Help me to be a peacemaker in my home, and to model a quiet spirit.  Show me the root of my anger, and rip it out completely…I don’t want it in me! Help me, today, Lord, to be peaceful and gentle.

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Mushrooms and Memories on Mother's Day

My 10 year old daughter took this picture today...I love it!

Today is Mother's Day...how did you celebrate the day? We spent the afternoon at a local State Park, on the hunt for the elusive (at least for us, anyway) Morel mushroom. My husband always says that Mother's Day weekend is the best time to find them. How ironic for me, though...to spend "my" special day searching for something I don't even like! Yeah, I am not a big fan of mushrooms. But I enjoy looking for them with my husband, and our daughter seems to have the mushroom eye. Daddy said she could go along mushroom hunting with him any time!  One word of advice though...mushroom hunting with a three year old...a very busy three year old boy...is not easy. But it was so fun to see him having fun and experiencing the wonder of God's creation! Here are some pictures of our day, one we will all remember, I hope!

First, we play...while daddy scouts out some potential mushroom spots

The first casualty of the day...a splinter

Not sure how I got Little Mister to be still and pose so nicely, but glad for the great shot of my precious kiddos!

After texting daddy that the natives were getting restless and thirsty, he came back and unlocked the van. We had a quick snack and some water and then hit the trail...each with our own "mushroom stick"

Mushroom Hunter and Apprentice...lesson one, the stance

Mister tries his hand at searching for mushrooms

Look what Hannah found! Daddy walked right by it!

Her first mushroom...a half-free Morel

I couldn't believe I actually found a real Morel...this is the first Morel I've ever found!

We love nature...it's so fun! Except for the swarms of gnats lying in wait along the trail...

The kids and I stopped at the lake while Daddy ventured into the deep, dark woods to find some more mushrooms. Mister probably tossed half the gravel there into the lake! Here, he is observing the effects of gravity and fluid dynamics (:

It was very beautiful and serene here...I wished that Bob Ross was there to help me paint some happy little trees...

Some people say "cheese"...we say "Happy Stinkin' Gnat Day"
There were A LOT of gnats...it was like a Biblical Gnat plague, seriously...

Mister did great on our long trek in the woods at "Tato Creep" park...but fizzled out at the end and Daddy had to carry him a while. What a trouper though!

Our Morel "Motherload" - about a pound or so. Daddy found the biggest ones on his first search while we were at the playground.

Today was just absolutely lovely. The weather was perfect...a little over 70 degrees and sunny...we all just had a great time. It was so relaxing to stroll along in all that nature and drink in the beauty of all that God created. And marvel at the children He used me to create as well. I am so blessed to be their mother! God could have picked anyone to fill that role, but He chose me...sometimes I can't figure out exactly why, but I wouldn't have it any other way. 

I will lay down and sleep in perfect peace tonight...

How I Experience You…

Have you ever had a friend ask you a question that was hard to answer? I was asked this question by another dear friend who has moved far away to the other side of the country almost, and another in our little group asked it as well. It's How Do You Experience Me? I haven't been brave enough to ask it yet, but my friend Heather said post this answer to her question on my blog, so I am. Hhhhmmm...should I ask you to leave a comment about how you experience me? I think that sounds dangerous, so I won't...LOL!

Good thing you are sitting down you know…or you’d probably fall right off your chair, wouldn’t you? I’m sure you gave up on ever getting a response from me…you probably thought I forgot. Couldn’t blame you…I do forget things a little too often.

Maybe you thought I was avoiding the question all together. No, not really. Maybe a little, because that’s one of those Real Questions and I’m not always real good at real stuff. I’m usually so concerned about what someone else will think that I can’t always be as real as I want to.

Well, when you were in Arizona…in the overly sunny land of people with common sense about time…and you said when you got back we would have to blog together since I’d have my Little Blue Friend, I decided right then that the first thing I would whip up would be the answer to your question. Isn’t that clever?

So, now that your cardiac issues have been resolved, be sure to fasten your seatbelt, put your chair back into an upright position and hold on, because I’m Going To Be Real:

….da da da da da da da…da da da da DA da da da da…

…boy I sure want more iced tea but that line is terribly long…

Wait…you want Real, not Stream of Consciousness, right? Ok…

You’ve said to me before that you don’t think you’re a good friend. I’m pretty sure I’ve told you that’s pretty much a bunch of crap. You are a great friend! Yes, you have things about you that aren’t ideal, but then who doesn’t? I know you could rattle off a few about me, surely!  (But wait until I ask you…)

You are…

• giving
• honest
• loyal
• dependable
• hysterical
• inspiring
• encouraging
• fascinating

Good friends give…they give their time, opinions, shoulders for crying upon, advice, things they have that their friends need without keeping score. They are honest and tell you things you need to hear, even when you don’t want to hear it. They got your back, and you know that no matter what they are there for you. And if someone attacks you, they are there to defend your honor. They make you laugh so hard you’re likely to pee your pants and they inspire you by how they live – taking on challenges other people wouldn’t touch, making the ordinary seem extraordinary and igniting a desire to learn and achieve in others. They encourage you  when the world has beaten the crap out of you and all you want to do is crawl into a hole where nothing exists and no one knows you're there, so you can fade away into nothingness. They remind you of what is important in your life and why you need to be present…that others are counting on you, like your family and your friends. They are fascinating, because while they share the same interests with you, they also have interests of their own and love to share them and teach you if you’re interested. And they always seem to have something interesting hidden away somewhere inside…there is always treasure to seek out within them.

Yes, that They I’m referring to is you. Just realized I should have been saying ‘you’ LOL…well, I finally got on a roll…you know how that is. But anyway, that’s the good I see and experience of you. You are honestly one of the most interesting friends I’ve ever had. I don’t mean that in a But She Has A Nice Personality kind of way, you surprise me often, and I love that! You’ve had some crazy adventures  and I love hearing about them! And even though you sometimes sell yourself short, you are someone I look up to and admire, and would like to be more like.

Now, with that being said, the other side of the Heather Harris Experience (just thought of Jimi Hendrix there….LOL) is that sometimes you can be very abrupt…sometimes your honesty is brutal (but then sometimes brutal honesty is necessary), and sometimes, I just don’t know how to take you because I haven’t yet deciphered your particular brand of sarcasm…those little nuances that are unique to you that take time to pick up on. 

But Heather, what all this boils down to is that I just love you to pieces…even if I don’t always ‘get’ you…because you ‘get’ me. I can talk about things with you that I can’t talk about with, say, Someone Else, because you know exactly what I’m talking about and where I’m coming from…and you wouldn’t write me off as heading to hell in a handbasket because I Went There...(sorry folks, location joke (; )

There is so much good in you that I am willing to take the bad right along with it. I understand why you are the way you are sometimes, other times I don’t…but that doesn’t matter to me, I know it’s something I’ll learn in time. You are a worthwhile investment of my time, my energy, my resources, and my heart and I am so very, very grateful that God brought us together. 

This concludes the trip on the Real Express. Please wait until the ride has come to a complete stop before unfastening your seat belt and moving around the cabin. We hope you’ve enjoyed your experience with us and that you’ll travel Real Express again soon. Have a nice day and thank you for choosing Real Express.

Ok, that was kind of dumb…but thanks for asking me this question…a million apologies for taking so long to get this done…and I hope that this answers the question satisfactorily.

Love you always,

Dawn <3

The Emptying Nest

I feel funny writing something “empty nest” related. I mean, I’m not even 40 yet and our youngest just turned three. But, as it often is with blended families, we have the whole gamut here in age ranges: 20, 18, 16, 10 and 3.

We’ve had our share of difficulties over the years, some unbelievably hard…the kind that can kill a marriage and rip a family apart. But, by the grace and faithfulness of God we weathered each storm that came our way…unfortunately, not completely intact but still, not completely destroyed either. There is still hope.

Now we are entering into what will be a very long season of nest-emptying. The oldest is moving out by the end of the month. I wish that it was happening under better circumstances, but choices were made and consequences followed as is the way of things. The next oldest, although he doesn’t live with us, is leaving for Marine boot camp (HOO-RAH!!) in September…and going all the way to the other side of the world in California.

All these birdies flying the nest cause me to become quite introspective. As most parents do, I have many regrets. All of our good intentions didn’t always turn out the way we intended. And some of the issues we had to deal with along the way made it excruciatingly difficult to be the parents these fine young men needed. Now, they are about to enter the big, bad world on their own.

They will make their own choices…how much that reflects on us and our parenting skills is not quite clear for me. On one hand, we, as parents, have had set before us the task of teaching them right from wrong and to model how to be a responsible and productive citizen. We should teach them to be compassionate and care for others, to be good stewards of God’s creation, and to have impeccable integrity. When we succeed in those areas, they can learn well…and when we fail in those areas, they learn as well.

Then we have the other hand…

They will make their own choices…

And, chances are, at least some of those choices would not be ones we would make. Or possibly choices anyone should make. These young men are perfectly capable of making good choices and being responsible. Whether or not they do is up to them. It’s hard to let go and let them be themselves.

I am fully prepared to be proud of their successes. That part is very easy. But how will I react…or respond, rather, when they fail? I don’t want to sound like I expect them to fail…it’s just a fact of life that people in general make mistakes and fail at things. And when you’re a young adult out on your own for the first time, the world can be a minefield of potential mistakes. How do we respond when they step on one of those and - God forbid – get hurt?

Natural Consequences are wonderful teachers. They do a better job of teaching than Advice From Parents. I don’t know why I get so irritated when the 20 year old asks for advice then does the complete opposite. But then, the nurturing part of a parent’s heart doesn’t want to see their children get hurt and wants to swoop in and rescue them when they do. It’s so fine, that line between helping and enabling!

Really, the best advice I can  think of is to remember that God is in control all the time. And when His children, which is exactly who our children are, mess up, He is there to gently correct and guide and to bind up the wounds of the brokenhearted. My job as parent will move from taking care of the immediate here-and-now needs…the never-ending need for food and shelter and clean underwear and food (did I mention BOY at all?) to a 24/7 need for prayer and support. The trick is knowing how support without hindering or enabling. For that, prayer is also quite handy…as long as I listen to what God is saying…

And so…while I would be fibbing if I didn’t admit that I’m looking forward to Number One moving out, since we don’t exactly get along famously, still, there is a sense of unease and a sudden desire to protect him building within me. Regardless of our differences and the list of things that annoy us about each other, he is still my family. I still want to see him succeed. I still want the best for him. And I am still grieved by the circumstances that have launched his foray into the big, bad world.

Number Two won’t be leaving for several months yet, and we still have his high school graduation to look forward to, his open house to plan, and a summer to spend with him yet…unless, of course, he is too busy working. But, at least he’ll be around and we can see him more easily than when he’s a zillion miles away in California.

My mind, which contains the vapors of mistakes made mere years ago, takes those memories of failures and hairs-of-chinny-chin-chins and weaves them into what could become in the months and years ahead for these boys. I don’t want them to repeat my own mistakes, or the mistakes of their parents…but I can’t control them and micromanage their lives. They alone must responsibly use and manage the freedom that adulthood brings.

So, for now, I will plan on spending more time in prayer for these young men. And start making plans on what to do with Number One’s room when he moves out…

What Did You Just Ask Me?

Haven't blogged for a while...the days have been quite ordinary lately. Then one day you get up and everything's like the day before and the day before that and the day before the day before that...until...

In all fairness, my stepson did mention earlier today that he wanted to talk to his father and I after dad got home from work, so I knew something was coming. I really hate it when people say "I want to talk to you later" and then leave you hanging. Opens the door to all kinds of worries and imaginary crises...unless, of course, you're one of those eternally optimistic people who probably imagine winning the lottery, an end to war, a cure for cancer, or even a truly bi-partisan government who can put aside petty differences in order to make wise, fiscally sound decisions that will make all of America happy and blissful once again. But, I digress...

Even with the warning of some impending information that may or may not be good, I was completely shocked. Totally and completely shocked. Still am, really.

So what was this thing he needed to discuss with us? Apparently his mother wanted to come and visit him and his brothers and needed a place to stay...so could she stay in our spare bedroom for just one night?

Really. He actually asked us that. I'm not making this up just to create a sensational blog entry. He actually asked if my husband's ex could spend the night in our home. As if.

My husband was quite to the point: "No." and he walked back down into the basement, where he and the landlord were working on fixing the contraption in the basement ironically called a "furnace."

Thanks.  That left me there...stuck as I was because I was cleaning out our refrigerator, which had taken on a rather disgusting funk that could not be precisely pinned down without removing all of the contents and giving each one the Sniff Test. Loads of fun, really.

Number One really couldn't see what the big deal was. I tried to explain that it was completely inappropriate for an ex-spouse to spend the night in the home of her former and very happily remarried spouse.  Especially when the three of us really don't like each other all that much.  Even if we all had a "normal" (or maybe getting along and being friends isn't normal, I don't know...I do know the the dynamics here are strained and strange) kind of divorce relationship, it would still be completely inappropriate.

I suppose I should mention here that Number One is 20 years old. Legally an adult, yet still quite naïve to the complex issues that plague adults...especially when it comes to divorce etiquette.

Then, to make the Shock and Awe campaign complete, he asks if she could stay in the old building on our town lot referred to as a "barn." It really is a barn, as our century-plus home once sat out in the country.  It probably had animals in it at one time...now it's more of a storage area for I'm not even sure what...it doesn't belong to us, I don't ask questions. Or go in there much.

I said, "Are you kidding?"

 

Apparently not...he had actually thought this out. The plan included something about him pulling his car in there and she could sleep in his car.  In case you are reading this from a nice, warm climate...let me assure you it's quite chilly here in Northern Indiana...in January. I think this would be referred to as "grasping at straws." Although no straws were being extended, believe you me.

I was then informed that we "suck" as he stormed out of the house. Guess we're doing something right if he still disagrees with our decisions...(thanks, Sissy! <3 ya!)

It was truly heartbreaking, once you got past the audaciousness of the whole thing, to witness this young man's desperation to make this trip, which seems to hinge on whether or not his mom can find somewhere to stay, possible. It's been a while since he's seen her. I get that, I really do.  I'm sure right now he, and everyone he tells this story to, thinks we are cold, callous and heartless.  Some day, and I don't hope this for him at all, if he is divorced and remarried, he'll understand where we are coming from. Or at least will have the opportunity to understand.

And honestly, it's very unfortunate that his mother is in this position...however, it is not our responsibility to provide lodging for her. She's an adult, and while asking someone if she can stay with them while she is in town is not unreasonable, asking her remarried ex if she can stay at his place is completely and utterly outrageous.  I certainly hope this was Number One's harebrained idea and not hers. I'm just not sure what I'd have to say about it if she was the one who talked him into asking us that. 

But...I guess I have to give him credit for having the guts to ask it. And for not telling me I'm going to be a grandma. Big kudos for that. Big BIG kudos for that...

I do hope she can find suitable accommodations and that her and the boys can have a wonderful, healing and blessed visit together.  They all really need that. But it won't be happening here. And don't try to make me feel guilty by saying we should extend Christian charity to those in need...Jesus said pray for people and do good, turn the other cheek, etc. but he did not say anything about being a doormat. He wasn't a doormat when he tossed the money changers out of the temple. Jesus is kind and gentle and loving, but he does not "enable" people! 

So, it will be very interesting to see how this all unfolds. I really do hope the visit will work out for them. And I hope for the sake of sanity, peace, and all that is holy and good she plans on not stopping by any time soon. That's just where I am at the moment. God is working on that...I suppose all of this is part of His plan to work that "stuff" out of my heart. But really, God...seriously? Surely You jest...I know all about Your sense of humor...

Lord, please help this mother and her sons to be able to visit together. Bless her with a beautiful and relaxing place to stay in an environment full of your grace, presence and love. And please help Number One to understand why we just can't let her stay here...