No Longer a Rebel Without a Cause

I'll do what I want, thank you very much

I’ve been a rebel as long as I can remember. In my younger days, rebelling against the status quo, against being “good”, against any kind of authority. And, in particular, against anything having to do with God. Sin was something to be proud of, not avoid. And I didn’t avoid much sin, truth be told. I realized today that God still uses rebellion to bring Him glory and to accomplish His purposes and plans on this earth, if you can believe that.

Eleven years ago, God used my tiny baby daughter to turn me back to Him. It wasn’t a Damascus Road conversion, more like turning a small ocean liner around really. It’s taken a while. But, it started with the realization that God loves me, no matter what.

And yet, I’m still a rebel.

If Main Stream Society does it, I probably don’t.  I do things like  drink raw milk and question the FDA and the Food Pyramid. I’m against vaccination. I homeschool. I believe many conspiracy theories are true, or at least contain more truth than fiction. And I don’t believe for a minute that the government really has my best interest at heart…or anyone’s for that matter. Well, aside from greedy, power-mad politicians anyway. I know there’s a few people in government who are truly good, patriotic people and are fighting against a corrupt system. But for the most part, there’s no difference between Republican and Democrat. There really is only a one-party system in America – the Politician Party.

I used to rebel just for the sake of rebelling. I lived for Sticking It To The Man. But, that really isn’t much of a cause. It’s selfish and immature. It’s based on emotional reactions. So, when I realized recently that I am still very much a rebel at heart, that concerned me. God doesn’t want us to rebel…he kicked Lucifer out of Heaven for rebelling, and a whole slew of angels for joining in with him.

In the last year or so, I have been walking through a sort of “crisis of faith”. I don’t doubt the basic principles of my faith – I still believe that The One God created the universe in six days, the Bible is His Word, and He sent His Son to die for my sin. One day I realized that I felt that God was asking me to put everything I’ve ever believed on the altar, so to speak. Or the chopping block, if that analogy works better for you. That was a scary thought, but I eventually realized that all I had to lose were things that weren’t true to begin with. And all I really cared about was Truth. So, I said “Ok God…I’ll do it. Here You go. Burn away all that is not Your Truth” and then waited for some awesome revelation.

And…I got >>crickets<<

That was disappointing, to say the least. But, God works in His own way, and on His own timetable. I kind of shelved the whole thing, and honestly, didn’t think much about anything spiritual. It was kind of nice, if I must say, to just not think about spiritual things for a while. I’ve had so many questions…so many things that just didn’t seem to add up or connect, and I could not reconcile them without concluding that the Christian faith was wrong, or at the very least, just another possibility to explain the world and life. Maybe all roads did lead to the same place.

Yet, I knew in my spirit that the basic tenets of my belief system were right. So, why were there so many things that seem to be contradictory? Why did the pieces not fit together nicely? Somehow, I came to see that my understanding of Scripture was very fragmented, disjointed, piecemeal. And trying to connect it all together was like trying to do a dot-to-dot puzzle where the dots were labeled 1 and 4, a and z, carrot and zucchini. Some of the dots could be connected because there were related to each other…numbers to numbers, vegetables to vegetables, but you couldn’t connect them all together to form a cohesive picture. Something was missing.

Whatever sparked that realization of my understanding of Scripture renewed my interest in the Quest for Truth. I realized that I could not possibly hope to understand the New Testament if I did not first understand the Old. And so, I started in the beginning. Genesis 1:1. But, I only got through four chapters before I was taken on a side trip. And it was there that I received the Awesome Revelation I’d been waiting for. I was on Damascus Road and didn’t even realize it.

I will go into it more in future posts…this one is getting long enough as it is. But, it suffices to say that as I journeyed down this side path, I could feel the veil being lifted from my eyes. Understanding began to explode – not only in my mind but in my spirit as well. I finally “got it.” I could see The Big Picture…because I understood what had been missing from my understanding of Scripture. It doesn’t change what I fundamentally believe…in fact, I have experienced a love for God in the last few weeks that is like nothing I have ever experienced before. I used to question whether I even truly loved God…but now, there is no doubt in my mind…or heart…or spirit…that I do. And I know He loves me back.

But, I’m still a rebel. 

I’ve purposed in my heart to walk down a path that is narrow. And not crowded in the least…in fact, it can be lonely at times. But when one does find fellowship with others on this path, it can be truly sweet and precious. And this time, I believe God is happy with my rebellion...because I’m not rebelling against Him.

Facing the Book

If there was a 12-Step Program for Facebook addiction, I probably might have found myself in a meeting some night.

Hello, my name is Dawn. I’m a Facebookie. I’ve been on FB now for two years. At first, it was great…it was new, exciting, lots of fun…but then after a while, it started to take over my life…

I would look out at the rows of cold, flesh-colored folding chairs filled with others who struggle with this addiction and be met with knowing glances, slight nods, maybe even that far-off look one gets when reminiscing on something Back In The Day.

…I started finding myself on FB in the strangest of places, like the shower (I just had to reply to something RIGHT THEN, it couldn’t wait)…

Smiles, giggles, murmured sharing of their own Strange Places. A silent understanding of the urgency a FB post can have that can strike anywhere, anytime.

…It got to be that I couldn’t go anywhere without knowing I’d have the connection I needed to get my FB fix. My cell phone became permanently attached to me. And once I got that netbook…well, that was what pushed me over the edge really…

Dark clouds drift over the eyes watching me. They remember their own Edge. They remember what pushed them over. They despise me for reminding them.

 …One day, I had a fleeting moment of lucidity. I realized that the reason every dish, glass, fork and pan in the house was dirty, the reason everyone was out of clean underwear, the reason every day got so far away from me was because of it. Because of Facebook.

A few tears now, as they go from despising me to empathizing with me. They have been there too. That’s why they were here this night in the church basement on those cold, hard flesh-colored folding chairs, surrounded by cement block walls doused in ecru…as if a fancy name for “whitish” would actually take away the institutional feel of those walls.

I decided to quit.

Applause. A few “yeah!'”-s. For a brief moment, I was someone they could admire. I had made that tough decision to quit.

Cold turkey.

Gasps. Heart-clutching. One poor lady began to shake uncontrollably. I had moved beyond Nobility and into the Land of Absurdity. What? Who does that? Who just quits FB cold turkey?

I’ll tell you who does that. Someone who realizes that time is an irreplaceable commodity that must be managed well if anything meaningful is to come out of its use. Someone who realizes that clean dishes and underwear, while part of the mundane, are vital to good health and comfort. They are part of the background on this set in which we play at life. Someone’s gotta do it…and unless you can pay someone to do it for you, YOU need to do it or delegate it properly.

Ok, so maybe I didn’t actually attend a Facebookies Anonymous meeting in a cold, cement block walled church basement with flickering fluorescent lights…but the thing about the dishes was true. And there was one day that my three year old didn’t have any unders, because mama was too busy on FB to do the laundry.

And so, as of January 1, 2012, I cut myself off of FB. And in this last month, my kitchen has been clean most of the time (debilitating FB addiction aside, housework and organization and time management have never come easy to me…), the laundry is caught up, and I am able to enter my Father’s rest on the Sabbath. It’s a wonderful thing.

But so is FB and the internet. They can both have a useful purpose. Morphine, after all, is very useful in treating excruciating pain. But with anything that has the potential to become a life-controlling addiction, the key is to use them responsibly. And so, as I return to the land of FB today, I do so with some rules:

1. I will not start my day off on Facebook
2. If the dishes are dirty, NO FACEBOOK
3. If anyone is out of any kind of clothing, NO FACEBOOK
4. If my husband needs my attention or assistance, NO FACEBOOK
5. If my children need my attention or assistance, NO FACEBOOK
6. And, most importantly, if I haven’t spent quality time with my God today, NO FACEBOOK

Now, if everything is in order…my worship and work are done…then I will allow myself a reasonable amount of time on Facebook. I suspect I will have to use a timer…because time really has  a way of getting away from me. There is no Daytimer that can help me, trust me…

And if I find myself breaking the rules and my family comes to me hungry and naked as I sit at my computer completely absorbed in Facebook…I will have to cut myself off again, only the next time it probably ought to be permanently. Serving my Creator, my family and life in all it’s unpredictable bliss are far more important.

Really. I’m very sure of that. I think…be sure to watch my FB wall in case I change my mind (; And, if you see me on Facebook, don't be afraid to ask me if the dishes are done or if my family is running around naked.

4 Words to Never Say While Canoeing

 

If you ever find yourself canoeing down a river…or worse yet, heading back upstream to the boat launch after having been on the river for a while so you can go home…I would like to caution you against saying four little words. There’s nothing inherently wrong with those words, in fact, they really are good words to say. Just not when you’re in a canoe. Heading upstream…

My husband wanted to check out a potential area for duck hunting, so we packed up his newly-camo’ed canoe and headed to a fish and wildlife area about four hours away. It was a beautiful day…I saw gorgeous fall foliage on the way and was able to read a really good book I’ve been enjoying recently. 

A very nice guy helped get the canoe off the van at the boat launch and we set off down river. The scenery was beautiful, we saw all kinds of interesting things…blue herons, a boot, a crazy little house that looked like some place the team from Criminal Minds might end up at to investigate some gory crime (Dueling Banjos danced  briefly through my mind as we floated on by), several eagles – even a male Bald Eagle. It was lovely and relaxing. And I  enjoyed just spending the day with my husband.

We turned around to head back, which meant we were heading upstream. Against some pretty strong currents at times. We were very thankful for the trolling motor hubby had brought along. All was going well as we headed back to the boat launch.

And then…I had to go and silently whisper Four Little Words.

Like I said above, there’s nothing wrong with those four words. But, as I keep forgetting…they are just entirely too vague. They leave so much open to wild interpretation. I really should know better by now.

What did I say?

Here I am, so naively inviting God to speak...

In a moment of Creation-inspired awe and wonderment, I invited the God of the Universe…YHWH…Adonai…to speak to me. I wanted to hear what was on His heart. I wanted a glimpse of the multitude of thoughts He has toward me. Which are all good, according to my favorite verse:

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace (wholeness, well being, health, blessing) and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
Jeremiah 29:11

Isn't this serene and beautiful?
Can you see why I was all caught up in Creation-inspired wonderment?

So there I was: heading upstream with my beloved, in awe of the beauty around me, filled with joy at being a Daughter of the King. Feeling fortunate to be part of God’s glorious and magnificent creation. And then…

GOD SPOKE.

He did not speak by tipping the canoe, for that I am very thankful. But, He spoke with an Object Lesson.

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ob·ject lesson, noun \ˈäb-jikt-, -(ˌ)jekt-\ : something that serves as a practical example of a principle or abstract idea

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Mere moments after offering up that silent supplication and posting via cell phone praise for the inventor of the trolling motor and the fine folks at Minn-Kota, the trolling motor got caught on a log. The new prop, fortunately, was spared any damage but the switch that controlled the speed of the motor was stuck on one speed, which was not Fast. 

I thought I was prepared for our trip, I even had a little first aid kit packed and snagged some toilet paper from a Walmart restroom…just in case. But, we did not have any tools with us. What we needed was a long philips screwdriver. My husband tried every MacGyver trick we could possibly come up with. If only we had some gum, a paper clip and a comb…

We were then faced with paddling back, for the most part. Fortunately, the trolling motor was at least not stuck in reverse. But the current was so strong in some areas it didn’t help at all. And the river would randomly go from deep to so shallow our paddles were hitting bottom with each stroke – no way could you have the motor down in the water in those places. And we were several miles down river…this was not exactly what I meant when I said “Speak to me, God.”

But God was speaking, and what I was hearing was that whenever we decide to go our own way and do things in our own strength, it is just like trying to paddle upstream. You paddle, paddle, paddle and don’t hardly get anywhere. You wear yourself out and get frustrated. Things go wrong. You find that you are completely unprepared and completely alone. It takes longer to get where you were going, and often times it is right back where you started…because you went off on the wrong way to begin with.

I know I have been through this object lesson before. Several times. I’m pretty sure I don’t need to go through it again…only, we are currently trying to discern God’s will for our family. My husband is looking for a job, we are willing to go where God says to go – we just need to hear where…and when. I feel like now is the time to go, and we are pretty sure about where. But, I guess it’s always good to be reminded NOT to try to force things before their time and not try to do them in our own strength.

Our canoe trip adventure sure didn’t go the way we expected. Why that might have been a surprise is beyond me. But, we stayed dry and unharmed, learned that we work well together in adversity, and were reminded again how important it is to "go with the flow" when it comes to God's plans for our lives. And, in spite  of it all, we had a really good time. Just ask my husband about the frog…

Don’t Miss That Train

The older I get, the more I realize how important it is to make good decisions. The kind that don’t leave the bitter aftertaste of regret behind. The kind that bring enrichment to the lives of those around us, not just to ourselves. Even with that realization, though, it can still be hard to step out and do something new when the destination is unclear. But that is where faith is important...

I read something this morning that fits our situation these days very well. It’s in Time to Rejoice: Devotions Celebrating God’s Love by several Women of Faith authors. This particular selection was written by Lisa Whelchel and was called Catch That Train.

She talked about a time when her mom called her up and asked her to go on a bike riding trip in Vermont. Neither of them were “cyclists” and she hadn’t been on a bike in years. They really had no idea what to expect and were surprised on more than one occasion. The rest of the group were obviously experienced in such things…from their gear to their abilities.

Still, they didn’t give up. They made the best of it and enjoyed the trip.

What really spoke to me was the following passage at the end of the story:

I hate to think what I might have missed had we not impulsively decided to do something we’d never done before. Or if we’d been daunted by the fact  that we didn’t have all the right training or equipment. Or if we’d given up when we learned that the journey would be longer and harder than we anticipated.

This wasn’t the first journey in my life when I truly didn’t think I could make it to the end. And I’ve certainly grumbled before like the children of Israel. But I learned that God was the one who set me on the path; He promised to go with me, and He would bring me to the destiny he planned for me from the beginning. I want to have the same attitude about these harder life journeys as my Nanny had about her life: to hop on that train. I’m sure God has something good planned!"

Her beloved Nanny  always told her “Catch that train while you can because you never know if it will pass this way again.” So it is with opportunities in life. We have to trust that the Conductor knows where He is taking the train and that we will arrive at our destination.

I have to remember right now that God is in this and He knows what He is doing. It doesn’t matter if I have the right experience or equipment right at this moment – God always equips and empowers those He calls. We will have what we need when we need it, we only need to trust Him. And listen when He speaks. He will never let us down and always has good in mind for us. Don’t miss out on the best adventures God has for you by being afraid to hop on that train!

Coffee With the Enemy

We all have people in our lives who rub us the wrong way. Some have even gone as far as to plunge a long, sharp knife deep into our back. So what do you do when God says “be a blessing to your enemy”? You have a choice to obey – or not – just like with anything else. But when God is asking you to step out and be vulnerable, He is not doing it to harm you. There is a greater purpose involved. We may never know what it is, but then that’s why HE is God and we are not. Fortunately, God created coffee on the third day and called it good. I completely agree. As for sharing with my enemy…well, I’m not real crazy about that but I’m doing it anyway.

I’m actually sitting in a local coffee shop right now. Waiting to meet with someone I honestly wish just did not exist. I’m going to buy this person coffee or tea or whatever. And I’m going to use a gift card that I won just yesterday. Because God said to do it. The worst part is that God also said “just listen.” I don’t want to “just listen!” I have an earful to give this person, if only I could. I imagine I will be nearly biting my tongue off by the end of it, but I’m going to do what God said to do. And I’m going to trust that He knows best. He knows what the purpose of this is. And He knows what the outcome will be. He even knows whether or not I will actually keep my mouth shut, something else I do not have knowledge of. My heart is <mostly> willing, but my flesh is about as weak as they come.

My guest is four minutes late. I came half an hour early, to kind of get my bearings and quiet my spirit as much as possible. Every time the door opens I cringe inside.  I don’t want to do this. But now my guest has arrived…

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Well, that was just weird. And awkward. And I don’t really know what to make of it. A lot of uncomfortable silence. A lot of talk about this that and the other thing. I made small talk. I agreed with some things that were said. But for the most part, I kept my tongue in check. Not like I was planning on going on some kind of rant and rave…although I could have reached down deep inside and pulled that knife out…and used it.  

But…God said “just listen.” There was even an offer for me to get whatever I had to say off my heart, but I said “No, God said listen and that’s what I’m doing.”

I can’t tell you what a miracle that was. That I was obedient. That I was immediately obedient. And that I kept my tongue under control…well, that is definitely an amazing feat of biblical proportions, believe me!

What will come of it? I don’t know. I didn’t notify my guest that I planned on buying and they bought a drink before sitting down. So, I explained about the gift card and slid it over. I blessed my enemy today. Only good can come of that, right? I’m trying not to think about the times before when treachery followed blessing. I’m trying to trust that God will use this situation for the good of all involved.

I am afraid the other party thinks we will do more of this in the future. It’s not something I’m necessarily wanting to do. But if God says “Do It” then I will. I don’t have the privilege of seeing the Big Picture, so I don’t know how this odd-shaped piece fits into the puzzle. Guess that’s why He’s God and I am…simply not.

DIY Planner: Revised and Improved for 2011-12

It’s that time of year again! Do you have your planner ready? Do you buy one already made or do you design your own? Last year, I learned that I can make my own planner very inexpensively. AND I could make it however I wanted. Determined to not end up with a bunch of pages unused because they just don’t suit my record-keeping style, I designed my own and took it to a local office supply store with a print center to have it coil bound. You can read about that here and see what that planner looked like. This year, I made some drastic changes…

I was quite surprised and irritated to find that I still had a bunch of pages that I didn’t use. It looked good, but that planner just did not suit my style. I was trying too hard I guess. After heading back to the drawing board with K.I.S.S. in mind (you know, Keep It Simple Sweetie), I finally had to come to grips with the fact that we are, in fact, UNschoolers. Unschooling does not lend well to traditional record keeping.

My biggest beef with trying to keep track of what we do every day is that the majority of our learning is cross-curricular. I don’t want to write an activity or lesson down in three different subjects every time. I want to write it down once and be done with it. And I would find myself agonizing over where to put something because I only wanted to write it down once…paralyzing the decision making process and driving me nuts.

So, I decided, why fight my nature? Why not find a way to embrace it in all its disorganizedness creativity? We don’t just “do school” at home…we learn where ever we are, whatever we are doing, whomever we are with. Life is our classroom! And something as large and complex as life is not going to be easily contained in little squares on an 81/2” x 11” piece of paper. Life is also messy and frequently goes outside of the lines.

I found a website called Homeschool Launch where you can download TONS of free worksheets, forms, and other helpful documents for home schooling. You can also create your own account to upload documents to share. You can find the forms I created for my planner this year at my page on Homeschool Launch.

What did I do differently? To start with, I had more time to put into designing the cover. Since we learn all year long, I chose pictures of things we did over the past year and this summer, such as my daughter using a magnifying glass on a scorcher of a day to start stuff on fire. We LOVE science!

Front cover...covered with pics of my kiddos!

The guy who did my planner there last year accidentally forgot to put something on the cover page before laminating and had to double-laminate it, which I really liked, so I asked them to do it again. Especially since the paper I chose this time was thinner.

On the inside cover, I made a copy of something I have hanging on our school cabinet. It’s an adaptation of something Nancy Campbell wrote in The Power of Motherhood. I figured it would be a good reminder, in case I ever forget how to homeschool…

I only have three, yes three, planner pages bound in this planner: a yearly goals sheet, an attendance sheet, and a yearly evaluation sheet. Well, there’s some monthly calendar pages, but more on that in a minute.

Yearly goals, right there when I open it up
so I don't write them down and forget them later!

Attendance sheet, courtesy of donnayoung.org
used this last year and really liked it.

Yearly evaluation, where we can write down
what worked and what didn't, what we liked or disliked
about the school year

Now this is where I got innovative. I bought six two-pocket folders without prongs when they were super cheap and had them bound in the planner. The first one will hold miscellaneous forms and records that we collect through out the year, such as important papers for Friday School, for example.

Miscellaneous forms and records and important papers
will go in here

I created my own monthly calendar pages for the year and printed them out on cardstock. I have them facing each other, and used the blank back sides as a place to jot down notes and reminders. I searched online for a few minutes while trying to create something fun and interesting for a place to scribble notes, looking for something resembling a yellow legal pad for a background or graphic I could use. Then it hit me – I have a color copier/scanner and a yellow legal pad. Duh. So, I grabbed the Sharpies and ended up with this:

I always need ample space to jot stuff down

I also need calendar pages to face each other so
I don't forget important dates coming up in the
next month

There is a set of two calendar pages in front of each folder. I used photo paper to print “labels” because it looks nicer. Not sure if the glue stick I used will sufficiently hold them after using it for a while, but that is easily fixed. I used Avery Design Pro to design the cover and the folder labels. Each folder will hold the Daily Learning Log Sheets for two months. This was the genius idea birthed at the drawing board. Planner pages don’t work for me because that is just not how I roll. This sheet has five large boxes to write lesson plans, activities and spontaneous learning opportunities. To the right are several check boxes with categories such as science, math, english, etc. This way, I can write in our unit study or when we stopped at a pond and observed the activity in the habitat or whatever and just check off what subjects were covered. I’ll print out 90 two-sided sheets of these and we will use them to record what and how we are learning each day. Of course, we can use more than 180, but that is to be sure we log in enough learning days to meet our state’s requirements.

Each pocket would only need to hold
15 sheets at the most. That's logging in
learning every day of the month!

I was very happy that the coil binding didn't
take up too much of the folder's edge so
the papers will still fit nicely.

I like having a full year’s calendar to look at in a place that is easy to find. Last year it was on the outside of the back cover. This year I decided I wanted it on the inside of the back cover. No particular reason, really. That’s just where I wanted it this time.

Always knowing where the whole year can be seen
is a huge benefit for me. I hate flipping through pages
to find things!

I was afraid it would be too bulky, but it’s really not. Of course, it’s not full of papers yet, either…

This isn't one of those fancy smart phones, just an LG Rumor2
but I thought it would give a decent size comparison on
how thick it is. 

I would have preferred different colors for the folders…like orange and blue…but hey, they were only like  15 cents apiece or something like that. We are trying to do school free or as close to it as possible this year in order to save money for a family trip to California in a few months to see the middle of the oldest boys graduate from Marine boot camp. Guess how much this planner cost me this year? Less than last year!

• orange polka dot paper, 25 cents each at Michael’s    $0.50
• two-pocket folders, 6 @ 15 cents                              $0.90
• printing costs, text documents                                   $0.60
• paper (negligible, due to rebates making the ream
  • practically  free!)                                             $0.05
• printing costs, color glossy photos (paper was free)    $0.10
• double laminating, 8.5 x 11 coil binding                    $4.44    
  • 20% off coupon!
• GRAND TOTAL……                                                    $6.59
  
  

I’m really excited about using this planner/organizer this year. It’s simple. It’s flexible. It didn’t cost an arm and a leg. And, it’s got cute pictures of my precious children on it. What more could I want?

If you make your own planners, what do you do? Do you change it every year or pretty much stick to the same format. Or, are you still trying to find something that works for you?

A Reflection of the Heart

This was my front porch a little over a year ago.
A big cluttery mess. Almost worthy of a visit from "Hoarders"

Have you ever just been sitting there in church, minding your own business, and all of a sudden God drops a megaton of revelation into your lap? And then you realize that He probably wants you to do something about that? Something that is most likely difficult and unpleasant? That’s what happened to me today, and it kind of tied up some loose ends for me in the Processing What I Heard At The Women Of Faith Conference I attended last weekend. Finally, I feel ready to blog about it, but I’m also left with some hard decisions to make.

That’s exactly what happened to me this morning at church. I’m just sitting there listening to the pastor, minding my own business. Not looking for the proverbial choir of angels to break out in the hallelujah chorus right above me, or even just one of those evil incandescent light bulbs to pop on over my head, destroying the environment in all its megawatt-ness. I just wanted to have a nice morning at church, you see. I didn’t want to have to come face-to-face with a difficult truth.

Let me back up a bit, so you can fully appreciate the revelation I received.

A few weeks ago, my bestie told me she won tickets to the Women of Faith conference in Indianapolis. She wanted me to go with her and that made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I went to one years ago, but only for one day…this was for both days! I know that someone who lives in a very hot place didn’t want us to go. We encountered quite a few obstacles, but in the end, God made it happen. We had a great time of bestie bonding, lots of laughs and some really yummy pitas! We also were served some quality "meat" from the speakers.

Dr. Henry Cloud talked about necessary endings (I definitely want to read his book by the same name) and how everyone needs a monkey in their cage to help them through stressful times.  Sheila Walsh is one of those speakers that I could listen to for hours and hours. Something she said socked me in the gut: “Guilt says you’ve done something wrong, shame says you ARE something wrong.” Nicole Johnson said something that brought tears to my eyes, as I could so relate to this…”Are you there God? Did you see what happened? Because that really, really hurt.” She also said something that I need to examine further in my own heart: “God-anger will destroy our families, paralyze our husbands and terrify our children.” And Lisa Harper was great too. The thing that stuck out to me during her talks was that “all addictions are a disorder of misplaced worship.” Ouch…

I’ve had my share of heart-wrenching experiences, but I’ve never lost a child and I don’t know if I could get up in front of thousands of people to relive that even one time, let alone multiple times. But the testimony of God’s grace and tender mercy that Angie Smith shared is simply amazing and definitely encouraging. You can read about Angie Smith’s daughter Audrey, here at her blog. Just be sure to grab a couple of boxes of tissues. Lucy Swindoll was very positive and upbeat while encouraging us to live life with no regrets…I guess she was the balance to all the heartbreaking testimonies before her.

Between when my friend found out she won the tickets and now, I have become obsessed with watching the show “Hoarders” on Netflix. I don’t know what I’ll do when my free subscription is up, I really don’t like to pay for stuff like that but I just love this show. Partly because it inspires me to clean and declutter, partly because I can really empathize with those poor people. Many have had a tragedy occur in their lives that turns messy and disorganized into hoarding so bad that the homes are unfit for human, or even animal, habitation. I recognize some of their thought processes and justifications. I have experienced that feeling that comes over them when they try to part with something and just can’t. I can’t explain it, it’s almost like a dark shroud envelops you and you just can’t think of anything other than the anxiety you’d feel at getting rid of something. You simply must keep it, even though you haven’t looked at it in 10 years. And then I think, “Am I just one tragedy away from becoming one of those crazy cat-lady hoarders?”  It’s scary to think that I just might be that close.

That being said, I have made significant strides over the years in overcoming clutter. I’ve found that as I have dealt with the internal junk and clutter, the external clutter becomes easier to deal with. I still have too much stuff, and having a three year old in the house doesn’t help, si I have resigned myself to the fact that for the next few years at least there will be a definite “lived in” look to our home. I can deal with that. 

It wasn’t until church this morning that I made the connection between what I heard at WOF and have seen on Hoarders…and my heart. The speakers at WOF were amazing…each one touching on an area in my heart, mind or life that could use some attention. The main theme for the weekend  seemed to be Letting Go. Letting go of the things that hold us back…the old wounds that hinder our ability to be all that God has designed us to be, the old thought patterns (or internal scripts as the psychologists on Hoarders call them) and ways of justifying the things in our lives that we are not particularly fond of (like my quick-flaring temper or my tendency to turn to food for comfort, for example). It’s easy to accept letting go of the bad things, but harder to  let go of dreams yet unrealized and people we love and trusting God with those precious things.

What on earth, you’re probably thinking, does any of that have to do with “Hoarders”? As I sat there this morning listening to my pastor, I suddenly got this flash of an image in my mind, probably some conglomeration of all the hoarders’ houses I've seen in the past few weeks, and I realized that…

I am a Spiritual Hoarder

No, I don’t have thousands of bibles stacked all over my house or feel paralyzing anxiety over throwing away a church bulletin. God showed me that I have rooms in my heart that are, just like the homes on that show, packed from floor to ceiling with junk. It’s been there for decades. It’s dirty. It’s unhealthy. I don’t even know what most of it is because I haven’t seen it in years. And yet, I can’t get rid of it. I can’t let it go. I actually feel anxious at the thought of throwing it out without looking at it, touching it, reliving it. And I can’t bring myself to to that, either.

God wants me to have a clean heart. I want me to have a clean heart. But I don’t want to go through an excruciating process to get one. Our pastor read out of Leviticus 6:9-13

9"Command Aaron and his sons, saying, 'This is the law of the burnt offering: The burnt offering shall be on the hearth upon the altar all night until morning, and the fire of the altar shall be kept burning on it.10 And the priest shall put on his linen garment, and his linen trousers he shall put on his body, and take up the ashes of the burnt offering which the fire has consumed on the altar, and he shall put them beside the altar. 11Then he shall take off his garments, put on other garments, and carry the ashes outside the camp to a clean place. 12 And the fire on the altar shall be kept burning on it; it shall not be put out. And the priest shall burn wood on it every morning, and lay the burnt offering in order on it; and he shall burn on it the fat of the peace offerings. 13 A fire shall always be burning on the altar; it shall never go out.

I’ve heard this teaching before, about keeping the altar clear of ashes. Keeping the junk out of our hearts. But somehow, in light of realizing that my heart has too many areas full of garbage, it just really seems to hit home. I need to let God into those rooms. I need to let Him in to burn it all up. And I need to be diligent in keeping the ashes cleared. Do you know what happens to a fire when the ashes are not removed? It chokes and dies. God says the fire is to always be burning on the altar…and if my heart is the altar, do I want the holy fire of God to burn out within it?

The hoarders on the show agree to let a team of people come in and clear out the junk in their homes. Other people come in to clean areas that haven’t seen a broom or soap or water in years. It’s nasty work in a lot of cases. I am truly impressed by the gentleness, respect and grace they show to the hoarders. In fact, a couple episodes showed people praying beforehand, and one in particular was a group of ladies from a maid service…who prayed to be a blessing to the person and ended it in Jesus’ name. That kind of blew me away.

I have had my share of shame so I know the feeling all too well, but I can’t fully imagine the shame associated with the amount of filth in some of these homes. I cried when one lady shared that her own mother would tell her all the time that she hated her and wished she’d never been born or that she had given her away. I have long believed the condition of our hearts is reflected in our homes. This lady basically lived in a landfill. She felt worthless and unlovable. I just wanted to hug her and tell her that she is not worthless. That Jesus loves her. That He wanted her, even if her mother didn't. What a waste of a precious life – she was in her 70’s I think.

I know that as the rooms in my heart are cleared out, that the Father will be gentle and loving. He will not condemn me or shame me. He will clean up the mess in my heart and make it beautiful, just as He always intended for it to be. But once again, it’s my choice. It’s always my choice to make…

This is my front porch after some serious decluttering. A beautiful, cozy space. This is what I want my heart to be like...