Grandma Has Taken on a New Meaning

My husband and I recently became grandparents. At 41. I really didn't see that coming down the pike!  I suppose technically I'm a "stepgrandma" but that's quite a mouthful. I'm fine with grandma, or whatever cute little way our grandson says it. The other grandma (on our side of the family) wants to be called Mamaw, so that's a nice way to never be confused about whom he is talking about. 

I know I'm completely biased, but then what parent or grandparent isn't? This little guy decided his birthday would be six weeks before what the doctor said it should be and was 4 pounds and 7 ounces, 18 inches long. He is the most precious little thing! I happen to love little babies, they are just so adorable! Our daughter was born 5 1/2 weeks early and weighed in at a whopping 3 pounds 13 ounces, our son was only 10 days early and outweighed his sister at 5 pounds 8 ounces. It is just amazing to see perfectly formed fingers and toes and ears and lips and noses in miniature. 

He had some trouble breathing and eating at first, and was transferred to another hospital with a better-equipped NICU. But each day he is doing better and better. The ventilator was removed after a couple of days, today they removed the IV and he is able to breast feed three times a day, although the feeding tube is still in place. If he keeps improving with his feedings and gaining weight, he should be able to come home this weekend. I can't wait for him to be home and his family to all be together. I know how hard it is to leave the hospital without your baby, especially your first one...our daughter was in the hospital for 12 days before she could come home. 

One thing I have really enjoyed is watching his father interact with him. My stepson gets this soft look on his face and you can just see how much he loves his son. It makes me get all verklempt to think about it...I'm even getting all teary-eyed typing this. So many fathers walk out on their kids, especially when they are young and the pregnancy was unplanned. I really believe he is going to be a great dad, and his mommy will be a great mom. They're young and have a lot to learn, but they work well together and they both love their son to pieces. That's a good start! 

My last name is a popular Amish name, although we are not Amish. And when you put Grandma in front of it, it sure sounds old. And Amish. But it's a name I proudly accept! Grandma conjures up images of softness, love, and cookies.

Realizing that I am grandma sure puts a new spin on "grandma" now. I still think of my own grandma, or my mom or mother in law when I think it or say it. And when we're all in a room together it might take me a bit to respond to that until I'm completely used to it. But I'm OK with it. Really and truly...he is such an amazing little guy and I look forward to watching him grow, and watching his parents grow with him. It's a beautiful thing!

No Longer a Rebel Without a Cause

I'll do what I want, thank you very much

I’ve been a rebel as long as I can remember. In my younger days, rebelling against the status quo, against being “good”, against any kind of authority. And, in particular, against anything having to do with God. Sin was something to be proud of, not avoid. And I didn’t avoid much sin, truth be told. I realized today that God still uses rebellion to bring Him glory and to accomplish His purposes and plans on this earth, if you can believe that.

Eleven years ago, God used my tiny baby daughter to turn me back to Him. It wasn’t a Damascus Road conversion, more like turning a small ocean liner around really. It’s taken a while. But, it started with the realization that God loves me, no matter what.

And yet, I’m still a rebel.

If Main Stream Society does it, I probably don’t.  I do things like  drink raw milk and question the FDA and the Food Pyramid. I’m against vaccination. I homeschool. I believe many conspiracy theories are true, or at least contain more truth than fiction. And I don’t believe for a minute that the government really has my best interest at heart…or anyone’s for that matter. Well, aside from greedy, power-mad politicians anyway. I know there’s a few people in government who are truly good, patriotic people and are fighting against a corrupt system. But for the most part, there’s no difference between Republican and Democrat. There really is only a one-party system in America – the Politician Party.

I used to rebel just for the sake of rebelling. I lived for Sticking It To The Man. But, that really isn’t much of a cause. It’s selfish and immature. It’s based on emotional reactions. So, when I realized recently that I am still very much a rebel at heart, that concerned me. God doesn’t want us to rebel…he kicked Lucifer out of Heaven for rebelling, and a whole slew of angels for joining in with him.

In the last year or so, I have been walking through a sort of “crisis of faith”. I don’t doubt the basic principles of my faith – I still believe that The One God created the universe in six days, the Bible is His Word, and He sent His Son to die for my sin. One day I realized that I felt that God was asking me to put everything I’ve ever believed on the altar, so to speak. Or the chopping block, if that analogy works better for you. That was a scary thought, but I eventually realized that all I had to lose were things that weren’t true to begin with. And all I really cared about was Truth. So, I said “Ok God…I’ll do it. Here You go. Burn away all that is not Your Truth” and then waited for some awesome revelation.

And…I got >>crickets<<

That was disappointing, to say the least. But, God works in His own way, and on His own timetable. I kind of shelved the whole thing, and honestly, didn’t think much about anything spiritual. It was kind of nice, if I must say, to just not think about spiritual things for a while. I’ve had so many questions…so many things that just didn’t seem to add up or connect, and I could not reconcile them without concluding that the Christian faith was wrong, or at the very least, just another possibility to explain the world and life. Maybe all roads did lead to the same place.

Yet, I knew in my spirit that the basic tenets of my belief system were right. So, why were there so many things that seem to be contradictory? Why did the pieces not fit together nicely? Somehow, I came to see that my understanding of Scripture was very fragmented, disjointed, piecemeal. And trying to connect it all together was like trying to do a dot-to-dot puzzle where the dots were labeled 1 and 4, a and z, carrot and zucchini. Some of the dots could be connected because there were related to each other…numbers to numbers, vegetables to vegetables, but you couldn’t connect them all together to form a cohesive picture. Something was missing.

Whatever sparked that realization of my understanding of Scripture renewed my interest in the Quest for Truth. I realized that I could not possibly hope to understand the New Testament if I did not first understand the Old. And so, I started in the beginning. Genesis 1:1. But, I only got through four chapters before I was taken on a side trip. And it was there that I received the Awesome Revelation I’d been waiting for. I was on Damascus Road and didn’t even realize it.

I will go into it more in future posts…this one is getting long enough as it is. But, it suffices to say that as I journeyed down this side path, I could feel the veil being lifted from my eyes. Understanding began to explode – not only in my mind but in my spirit as well. I finally “got it.” I could see The Big Picture…because I understood what had been missing from my understanding of Scripture. It doesn’t change what I fundamentally believe…in fact, I have experienced a love for God in the last few weeks that is like nothing I have ever experienced before. I used to question whether I even truly loved God…but now, there is no doubt in my mind…or heart…or spirit…that I do. And I know He loves me back.

But, I’m still a rebel. 

I’ve purposed in my heart to walk down a path that is narrow. And not crowded in the least…in fact, it can be lonely at times. But when one does find fellowship with others on this path, it can be truly sweet and precious. And this time, I believe God is happy with my rebellion...because I’m not rebelling against Him.

Love, Lies and Internal Tapes

If you truly understood that God loves you, it would transform your life. Every area. You would never be the same again from the moment you accepted that truth. So why do so many people struggle with moving beyond “knowing” that God loves us (because, after all, that’s what the smiley faces tell us) and believing that He does?  What stands between reason and faith?

thoughts…

God’s word is full of His promises and His declaration of undying, unconditional love for us. We read it, we hear it on the radio, and in the pulpit on Sunday mornings.  Other people tell us.  And we even say it ourselves. But when we take a look at how we live what we believe, there is often a discrepancy between head-knowledge belief that God loves us and hearts that believe without a doubt that He does. And if we look very closely, and listen carefully, we will most likely see that while we know we should believe God loves us, and think we do, our internal dialogue tells a completely different story…

 “If God really loved me, He wouldn’t let me suffer like this…”

“God must love her more than me, look how “blessed” she is while I struggle just to get by…”

“God only loves me when I get it right…”

Our thoughts are a combination of endless input from those around us, from the media, from what we read or listen to. Our "original" concepts of ourselves and of God and others may not be as original as we think they are sometimes. Do the advertisements on TV tell you that you're too fat?  Did your father tell you that you were incompetent? Did your group of friends talk about the neighbor down the street at your last coffee klatch? Our minds take in so much data, and left to its own devices the mind can truly make a mess of all that information.

role models…

Our view of God as a Heavenly Father is often shaped by our experiences with our earthly fathers. If you father abandoned you, if he abused you, if he was harsh, demanding and critical, it can be hard to not think of God in the same light. Was your father loving, kind and supportive? How blessed you are! But even then, all it takes is a little seed planted at the right time and a harvest of doubt can be reaped.

lies and feelings…

There are at least two things that can get in the way of believing in your heart what your mind already knows. Lies and Feelings. Satan, who is the Father of Lies, is really good at whispering little questions in our ears…questions that get us to doubt the Truth of God’s word. "Did God really say that?” … “Is that really what He meant?” And sometimes, he’s not subtle at all…“He promised to meet all your needs, so where is He now that the mortgage is due and you don’t have the money to pay it?” Those little seeds of doubt can take root and grow into bitterness, envy, and anger at God.

Then there’s our Feelings. We’re supposed to have “childlike” faith, right? That’s what Jesus said:

“I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it” (Mark 10:15)

Receiving God’s love like a little child does not mean that we let our emotions, which are often immature, rule our decisions. We receive God’s love by believing that He loves us, just as our own children so readily believe that we love them. But, their immature emotions will often lead them to the conclusion that we don’t love them…if we don’t give them what they want or let them do something they want to do.  We have the same tendencies toward God at times, too. We need to readily believe, as a child, while exercising self-control over our emotions, as adults do…or should, anyway.

When we let our childlike Feelings reason for us in difficult situations, we can also end up feeling bitter, resentful and angry toward God. We can feel like he’s being mean…just like mom is a big meanie when she tells her three year old that he can’t have cookies for breakfast.  The child doesn’t understand that eating sugary, unhealthy cookies for breakfast can ruin his appetite for healthy, nourishing foods that his growing body needs to mature and to build a strong immune system to protect against illness. Mom is really looking out for his best interest, she is protecting him and showing him love – because she cares about even little things like that and because she knows something the child doesn’t. The lack of understanding on the child’s part does not change, diminish or remove the love of his mother.

take a look inside…and weed the garden

If you struggle with really believing that God loves you, take  look inside for a moment. Listen to yourself as you think about the difficult situations you face…what are you saying? Is it really true? Is it a lie? Examine your feelings, too…what are they telling you? Are they ruling your thoughts and decisions, or are they under control? And, ultimately, do the thoughts and feelings you have line up with what God’s word says? If not, you need to feast upon the word and intentionally spend time with God, letting Him reveal His true character to you…which is Love.

Anything that does not agree with God’s word is a lie. It will produce fruit in your life, if you allow it to take root and grow, but that fruit will be rotten and destructive. Take time every day to pull the weeds out of your heart and mind. Ask God to show you the things you believe that are contrary to His word.

be encouraged…

God’s love really is simple. It’s huge, it’s unconditional, it’s free. It’s ours for the receiving, if we will but just believe. Paul prayed that we would

…[be] rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height-- to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.    Ephesians 3:18-19

And while I believe it is impossible to fully understand, grasp and know the love of God in its entirety, I do believe it is possible to understand it as much as we are humanly capable. We define the ceiling of that understanding by what we choose to believe about God, about His love, and about ourselves.

“What a good earthly father would not do, God who is our Father would not do either; and what a good father ought to do, God who is our Father is absolutely sure to do.” ~ Hannah Whitall Smith

SOAP Devotion: 1 Corinthians 3

What kind of materials are we using as we build on the foundations laid in people’s lives? What kind of foundation have we laid in our children’s lives? Every word, every action is like a brick, a 2 x 4, a nail…all building and shaping who our children become. I know I’m only “supposed” to use one verse, but these two need to go together, so I’m cheating a little bit…

Today’s reading is 1 Corinthians 3

Scripture:  Some will use gold, silver or precious stones in building on this foundation; while others will use wood, grass or straw. 13 But each one's work will be shown for what it is; the Day will disclose it, because it will be revealed by fire - the fire will test the quality of each one's work.  1 Corinthians 3:12-13

Observation: Everything we do or say influences and builds on another’s foundation. From the moment our children are born, we are laying a foundation and building upon it. What materials will we use? Anything made of wood, grass or straw will burn up and not last, and it will not make the structure stronger, but weaker. The same is true for me…others have built on the foundation of my life. What is wood, grass or straw…what is gold, silver and precious stones?

Application: As I read this, I thought of both what I’ve used to build in my children’s lives and what has been used to build in my own life growing up. It hasn’t all been gold, silver and precious stones. There is comfort in knowing that it will be burned up at some point…but that seems like such a waste. Can it be removed and replaced with gold, silver and precious stones that will not be burned away?

Buildings can be restored. It can take a long time and a lot of work, but it can be done. Repairing mistakes and damage before the building is finished seems like it would be much easier than after the building is done…after it has aged and weathered and settled.

Following the blueprints and directions will ensure the building is built soundly and correctly. Even when the ground shakes, the building can stand. But when the building is built haphazardly, not to code, and with substandard materials…even the smallest shaking or adverse conditions can cause the building to be damaged or be destroyed.

God’s Word and Holy Spirit are the blueprints and directions we are to follow when raising our children. The gold, silver and precious stones we are to use are all of the good things of God – love, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, self-control – that shape and build their hearts, minds, souls and character into the people that He has designed them to be.

While we can’t control what others do, and unfortunately there will be “non-union” workers who show up on the job, we do have control over what we choose to do and say and where we allow our children to be. As they get older, we have to let them go a little bit…and trust that the foundation we laid and have built upon is strong and sturdy.

God allows us to build as we wish…but we then have to accept the consequences, and pay the price, for not following the directions.  I’m so glad that he is not like some earthly bosses who will fire you for making mistakes…His grace is abundant and mercy unceasing. But I have to remember it’s not just me that is affected here…my children are, and potentially my grandchildren. I must be purposeful in my parenting, and must strive to always follow the blueprints and the directions while building upon my children’s hearts, minds and souls.

Prayer:  Father, I so wish I wasn’t just “getting” this concept now. My precious daughter, whom You used to turn me back to You, is now almost 11 years old. 11 years of not always following the blueprint for her life. 11 years of not always seeking Your direction in how to parent her. I know I have used some wood, grass and straw to build in her life…please help me find it and remove it so it can be replaced with what is truly valuable and lasting. And my son, too…even he, in his short 3 years, has had some substandard material added to his foundation. Forgive me, Lord, for not always taking seriously this job before me…for letting my own wants and desires cause me to use anything but precious metals and stones to build in their lives. Help me to restore what has not been done correctly so that they are standing upon a strong, solid, and impermeable foundation. And Lord...help me remove in me what was laid there by others that doesn't belong and weakens this temple of yours. Replace it with what it good, pure and true and will last for eternity.

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SOAP Devotion: Proverbs 12

Do you ever get angry? I mean really, explosively angry? It is such an out-of-control feeling! And far too often, others get hurt because we are out of control. 


This morning, I went back to bed after seeing my honey off to work...the little girl I babysit wasn't coming until 9:00, it was rainy and dreary and just perfect for sleeping in. I should have stayed up and had my devotion time...that helps so much when it comes to controlling anger...to be plugged in and connected with God's grace for the day. And when that sippy cup fell onto my toe - good grief, who knew a half-empty sippy cup could feel like a boulder when it hits your toe - I had a hard time not exploding.  Only a few weeks ago, I probably would have...but feeling better makes it easier to keep those emotions in check. Still, I knew I needed to get connected with God before the rest of the day happened...and happened badly.

Proverbs 12 is full of great advice. Diligence and laziness, righteousness and wickedness, the wise and the foolish. I can’t say I’m surprised at what God brought to my attention this morning…and since I am wise, I will love correction and follow this excellent advice regarding anger…

Today’s Reading is Proverbs 12.

Scripture:  A fool's anger is known at once, but a cautious person slighted conceals his feelings. Proverbs 12:16

Observation: There are a good many angry fools in society today. Restraining one’s emotions requires maturity and wisdom, and a cautious person is one who can keep their emotions in check, even when slighted.

Application:  I’ve had issues with anger for many years. Thankfully, God has worked on that wrinkle in my character faithfully and steadily.  As I have matured, it has become easier to not get carried away by my emotions and blow up like a volcano whenever something makes me angry or when I feel that my “rights” have been violated. Isn’t that what we feel when we’re slighted by someone?

A fool immediately reacts to a situation, and lets himself get carried away by his feelings. Things get said that hurt others. Things sometimes get broken. And many times, others can get physically hurt.  They are only thinking of themselves and their own feelings, not at all of the other person...except maybe of hurting them in retaliation. It is selfish an immature. Ouch, God...that one really hurts.

A wise person is cautious…he considers possible responses to a situation before opening his mouth. He knows the power of words to hurt or to heal, and chooses to not use hurtful words.  He is cautious, because he knows that how he responds to the situation can either defuse it or ignite it further.

I have to admit that I’m not always wise. Some of that has been because of health issues…and while I’m not trying to use that as an excuse, it is difficult sometimes when you feel terrible or your hormones are all wacked out, to retain a grip on wisdom and prudence.  I look back at some of the things that have made me explode, and really…how ridiculous I was to allow such a little thing have so much control over ME. I am in charge of myself, not some fickle and childish emotion.

And when I see the influence my anger has had on my children, I just want to cry. I know God has forgiven me every time I blow it and repent…but I have a hard time forgiving myself. Especially when little arms have hugged my neck and precious voices say “I ‘give you, Mommy.” They shouldn’t have to say that…but I am glad that God uses even my sin to bring about Christlikeness in my children. They forgive so easily, without even a second thought…they have such sweet and tender hearts.

I long to be that quiet, peaceful, and humble-spirited wife and mother…but it just doesn’t seem to be in me some days. Ok, most days, to be honest.  I know that God created me to be that way, He just has a lot of hard rock to chisel away before it can be revealed, I guess.

Prayer: Father, forgive me again for allowing my emotions to rule my behavior. Help me to be wise and cautious…to always RESPOND instead of REACT to every situation. Help me to be a peacemaker in my home, and to model a quiet spirit.  Show me the root of my anger, and rip it out completely…I don’t want it in me! Help me, today, Lord, to be peaceful and gentle.

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SOAP Devotion: Esther 1

When God said read the first chapter of Esther, I thought I knew where He was going. I know the story of Queen Esther and how she saved her people by entreating the king. But that’s not the queen God was speaking to me about today at all. There’s another queen in that story…Queen Vashti. And she wasn’t nearly as noble as Esther…

Today’s Reading is Esther 1

Scripture: because this act of the queen's will become known to all the women, who will then start showing disrespect toward their own husbands…Esther 1:17a

Observation: What women do we, knowingly or unknowingly, idolize on TV? How do they influence our behavior as wives and the queens of our homes? Are we aware of how our own behavior influences our daughters, friends or neighbors?

Application:  Queen Vashti dis’ed her husband, the king, when he commanded her to come and she refused. This, of course, really made the king mad and he consulted with his sages on how to deal with this impertinent queen. The sages wisely reasoned that the queen’s public display of disrespect and willful disobedience to the authority of the king would influence the women of the kingdom to also disrespect their husbands.

As I read this chapter today, that verse just really grabbed my attention. It reminded me of a show I used to watch fairly regularly just a few years ago – King of Queens. I always thought it was pretty funny, what with that spunky Carrie Heffernan and her goofy husband Doug and all. I don’t know why, but I quit watching it regularly. But the next time I watched an episode, I was really shocked by how disrespectful and nasty the character of Carrie was…and that I didn’t notice it before when I watched it all the time.

How often do we idolize the women we see on TV, who are nearly always portrayed as smart, sexy, funny, ambitious and successful (while their male counterparts are typecast as bumbling idiots)? There is nothing wrong, of course, with being smart, sexy, funny, ambitious and successful…but these women also are never, or rarely if ever, shown to be respectful to their husbands…and certainly never submissive. Are we influenced by these women? How does their influence on the young and impressionable minds of our daughters shape the women they will become?

My husband told me he never liked that show, though we used to watch it often. He also told me he didn’t like Everyone Loves Raymond, another show I used to like watching…until my eyes were opened to the subtle way the entertainment industry is helping to destroy the sacred institutions of marriage and family. Our daughters are growing up believing that men are stupid, incapable morons. Our sons are growing up believing they are stupid, incapable morons who can’t do anything right, so why bother trying to be a father, to lead a family? Besides, it’s the women who wear the pants in the family, because they are the ones who are smart and capable. It is so easy to become immersed and immune to the influence of what comes out of that stupid box…it took not watching it for me to see what I was unable to see before.

As queens of our homes, we wield powerful influence in the lives of our children. Our behavior is often noticed more than our words. Biblical submission to authority and to our husbands is not being a doormat, but rather respecting the authority God has placed over us. It is not never having a say in an issue, but allowing our husbands to make the final decision, because that is the responsibility God has given him as the leader of his home and family. Our daughters learn how to be wives and mothers from us. Our sons learn what a wife and mother should be from us. As followers of Christ, then, we should strive to submit to our husbands and model for our children God’s perfect plan for the family.

Prayer: Lord, thank you for helping me to understand what submission really means. I can see, as I have learned to be more submissive to my husband, that there is peace and freedom in that submission that is not there when I try to wear my husband’s pants. Help me always to remember how I influence my children’s view of marriage and family by my own behavior and help me be the perfect example of a godly wife and mother. Forgive me for the times that I have been disrespectful or not submissive to my husband’s authority, which you have given him over me. Help me also to remember that how I conduct myself as a wife is seen by my friends and others…let me not sow discord by my behavior or by grumbling and complaining about my husband. Let all of my words about my husband be loving and respectful.

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SOAP Devotion: You Love Me Anyway

I’ve had this song in my head for several days now by Sidewalk Prophets. I love this song…(sorry…can’t embed the video, but please click on the title to check it out on youtube…). Not sure how I will fit this in SOAP format, but I’m going to give it a try anyway…

You Love Me Anyway

The question was raised
As my conscience fell
A silly, little lie
It didn’t mean much
But it lingers still
In the corners of my mind
Still you call me to walk
On the edge of this world
To spread my dreams and fly
But the future’s so far
My heart is so frail
I think I’d rather stay inside
But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known

You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
How You love me

It took more than my strength
To simply be still
To seek but never find
All the reasons we change
The reasons I doubt
And why do loved ones have to die?

But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me

I am the thorn in Your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas’ kiss
But You love me anyway

See now, I am the man that called out from the crowd
For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground
Yes then, I turned away with this smile on my face
With this sin in my heart tried to bury Your grace
And then alone in the night, I still called out for You
So ashamed of my life, my life, my life

But You love me anyway
Oh, God… how you love me
You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
You love me, You love me
You love me, You love me
How You love me
How You love me
How You love me

Scripture: “For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8: 38-39

Observation: There is nothing I can do or say that will ever make God not love me…or my enemies…and as a believer, nothing can separate me from God’s love.

Application:  This past Saturday as I was out picking up the final few things for James’ graduation open house, this song was going through my head. Of course, I can not usually remember all of the lyrics to a song, just part of them…and those parts go through my head over and over and over…and this time was no exception. All of a sudden, I was just overcome with emotion at this bit of the song:

I am the thorn in Your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas’ kiss
But You love me anyway

The realization that I was the thorn in His crown…the sweat that dripped from His brow…the nail in His wrist…and that kiss of betrayal just completely derailed me. Obviously, I wasn’t there to actually slam that crown of thorns into Head or hammer that nail into His wrist…and oh I surely like to think that if I was, I wouldn’t have been one of the people in the crowd demanding His blood be spilled…but it is because of me, because God made provision for my sin long before I, or any of my ancestors, were ever even thought of, that He endured the injustice of the Cross. For me. Simply because He loves me.

Even when I turned my back on Him…He still loved me anyway.

Even when I denied Him…He still loved me anyway.

Even when I did every wicked thing I could, purely for the “fun” of it and to rebel against God and all authority…He still loved me anyway.

Even now, when I am too busy to spend time with Him…He still loves me anyway.

And He still loves the people in my life who are hard to love, who have hurt me, lied to and about me, shamelessly persecuted and used me, and turned those I love against me…He still loves them, and calls me to love them as well.

What form does that kind of love take? Do you become a doormat and let someone walk all over you “in the name of love”? Certainly not. Do you put on a fake smile and engage in polite conversation? I don’t think so…a “fake” smile is not genuine, so how could that be love? Do you keep putting yourself out there, vulnerable, to be burned again and again? I don’t think that’s what God means by loving someone who persecutes and spitefully uses you, either. He says be wise as serpents and gentle as doves.

God is still teaching me about loving my enemies.  He set the greatest example, and on my own I can never follow it. I need His help to even make an attempt at it here on earth. I will fail, most likely, from time to time. It’s a process…one step forward…two steps back…more or less. Right now, love manifests as indifference…but that is still better than returning evil for evil, so there is progress. God’s wisdom tells me that the stove is still hot, don’t touch it again…and I won’t. But should it ever cool and He says “Reach out” again, I have a choice to make…and I hope I can choose to obey.

Prayer: Abba Father…you loved me before I was ever born…You knew how I would betray You…deny You…and set myself against You, and yet Your love for me never faltered. You also knew how my enemies would hurt me and persecute me, and yet You still love them as well. You know I desire to be obedient…to walk in the Way of Your precious Son…and You know I am weak. Please help me to love those who are hard to love, even the ones who have hurt me. Give me wisdom to know how to show Your love to them. Forgive me for the times that I have not walked in love and have been just as unlovable as my enemies. Thank You for loving me no matter what…even in my most unlovable moments…

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SOAP Devotion: Isaiah 25

This morning, I woke up with a song in my head…well, part of one anyway. The lyrics went “Oh death/where is your sting?” I knew that was from a verse in the Bible, so that was where I decided to read today…only reading 1 Corinthians 15 was like reading Fundamentals of Actuarial Practice…dry and not exciting in the least. God!! Your word is alive, so why does this seem so dead? I read it again…all 58 verses…and again…and this time, it occurred to me that perhaps I was reading the wrong passage. It makes reference to a verse in the Old Testament – Isaiah 25:8 – so off to Isaiah 25 I went, and it was like jumping into a sparkling pool on a hot summer’s day…refreshing and vibrant!

Today’s Reading is Isaiah 25

Scripture:  He will swallow up death forever. Adonai ELOHIM will wipe away the tears from every face, and he will remove from all the earth the disgrace his people suffer. For ADONAI has spoken. Isaiah 25:8

Observation:  Adonai ELOHIM is my defender, my protector, my comforter, my provider…He vindicates, He lavishly pours out grace and blessings. And one day soon, death will be put in its place.

Application:  It was hard to just choose one verse to focus on this time. Sometimes, a verse will just “pop out” to me as I read…almost like the Holy Spirit grabs ahold of me and gives me a little shake…or a big one, depending on what circumstances are whirling around in my life at the time. This whole passage spoke to me about how my Abba Father is always there to defend me, to protect me, to destroy my enemies and vindicate me. He also comforts me and lavishes His grace and mercy on me. And the promise to hold on to here is that one day, death will be “swallowed up”…there will be no more death, no more tears, no more disgrace for His people.

As I face difficult situations…difficult people…and difficulties in general, I know that He is always there with me…a strong tower to run to in time of need. A strong pair of arms to hold me and comfort me. And gentle, loving hands that extravagantly place before me a feast of rich food and wine – His word, His Spirit – to nourish and bless me.

Prayer:  Daddy, thank You for always being there when I need You…and even when I think I don’t. I’m so glad You’ve got my back! You know what lies ahead for me, what difficulties I will face each coming day, and You’ve already prepared all that I will need to get through each situation. I long for the day when death will be swallowed up forever, for the day when disgrace is not a word in my vocabulary or anyone else’s, because you have restored honor and dignity. Help me to grab hold of all You’ve laid out on Your beautiful banquet table for me today.

Mushrooms and Memories on Mother's Day

My 10 year old daughter took this picture today...I love it!

Today is Mother's Day...how did you celebrate the day? We spent the afternoon at a local State Park, on the hunt for the elusive (at least for us, anyway) Morel mushroom. My husband always says that Mother's Day weekend is the best time to find them. How ironic for me, though...to spend "my" special day searching for something I don't even like! Yeah, I am not a big fan of mushrooms. But I enjoy looking for them with my husband, and our daughter seems to have the mushroom eye. Daddy said she could go along mushroom hunting with him any time!  One word of advice though...mushroom hunting with a three year old...a very busy three year old boy...is not easy. But it was so fun to see him having fun and experiencing the wonder of God's creation! Here are some pictures of our day, one we will all remember, I hope!

First, we play...while daddy scouts out some potential mushroom spots

The first casualty of the day...a splinter

Not sure how I got Little Mister to be still and pose so nicely, but glad for the great shot of my precious kiddos!

After texting daddy that the natives were getting restless and thirsty, he came back and unlocked the van. We had a quick snack and some water and then hit the trail...each with our own "mushroom stick"

Mushroom Hunter and Apprentice...lesson one, the stance

Mister tries his hand at searching for mushrooms

Look what Hannah found! Daddy walked right by it!

Her first mushroom...a half-free Morel

I couldn't believe I actually found a real Morel...this is the first Morel I've ever found!

We love nature...it's so fun! Except for the swarms of gnats lying in wait along the trail...

The kids and I stopped at the lake while Daddy ventured into the deep, dark woods to find some more mushrooms. Mister probably tossed half the gravel there into the lake! Here, he is observing the effects of gravity and fluid dynamics (:

It was very beautiful and serene here...I wished that Bob Ross was there to help me paint some happy little trees...

Some people say "cheese"...we say "Happy Stinkin' Gnat Day"
There were A LOT of gnats...it was like a Biblical Gnat plague, seriously...

Mister did great on our long trek in the woods at "Tato Creep" park...but fizzled out at the end and Daddy had to carry him a while. What a trouper though!

Our Morel "Motherload" - about a pound or so. Daddy found the biggest ones on his first search while we were at the playground.

Today was just absolutely lovely. The weather was perfect...a little over 70 degrees and sunny...we all just had a great time. It was so relaxing to stroll along in all that nature and drink in the beauty of all that God created. And marvel at the children He used me to create as well. I am so blessed to be their mother! God could have picked anyone to fill that role, but He chose me...sometimes I can't figure out exactly why, but I wouldn't have it any other way. 

I will lay down and sleep in perfect peace tonight...

How I Experience You…

Have you ever had a friend ask you a question that was hard to answer? I was asked this question by another dear friend who has moved far away to the other side of the country almost, and another in our little group asked it as well. It's How Do You Experience Me? I haven't been brave enough to ask it yet, but my friend Heather said post this answer to her question on my blog, so I am. Hhhhmmm...should I ask you to leave a comment about how you experience me? I think that sounds dangerous, so I won't...LOL!

Good thing you are sitting down you know…or you’d probably fall right off your chair, wouldn’t you? I’m sure you gave up on ever getting a response from me…you probably thought I forgot. Couldn’t blame you…I do forget things a little too often.

Maybe you thought I was avoiding the question all together. No, not really. Maybe a little, because that’s one of those Real Questions and I’m not always real good at real stuff. I’m usually so concerned about what someone else will think that I can’t always be as real as I want to.

Well, when you were in Arizona…in the overly sunny land of people with common sense about time…and you said when you got back we would have to blog together since I’d have my Little Blue Friend, I decided right then that the first thing I would whip up would be the answer to your question. Isn’t that clever?

So, now that your cardiac issues have been resolved, be sure to fasten your seatbelt, put your chair back into an upright position and hold on, because I’m Going To Be Real:

….da da da da da da da…da da da da DA da da da da…

…boy I sure want more iced tea but that line is terribly long…

Wait…you want Real, not Stream of Consciousness, right? Ok…

You’ve said to me before that you don’t think you’re a good friend. I’m pretty sure I’ve told you that’s pretty much a bunch of crap. You are a great friend! Yes, you have things about you that aren’t ideal, but then who doesn’t? I know you could rattle off a few about me, surely!  (But wait until I ask you…)

You are…

• giving
• honest
• loyal
• dependable
• hysterical
• inspiring
• encouraging
• fascinating

Good friends give…they give their time, opinions, shoulders for crying upon, advice, things they have that their friends need without keeping score. They are honest and tell you things you need to hear, even when you don’t want to hear it. They got your back, and you know that no matter what they are there for you. And if someone attacks you, they are there to defend your honor. They make you laugh so hard you’re likely to pee your pants and they inspire you by how they live – taking on challenges other people wouldn’t touch, making the ordinary seem extraordinary and igniting a desire to learn and achieve in others. They encourage you  when the world has beaten the crap out of you and all you want to do is crawl into a hole where nothing exists and no one knows you're there, so you can fade away into nothingness. They remind you of what is important in your life and why you need to be present…that others are counting on you, like your family and your friends. They are fascinating, because while they share the same interests with you, they also have interests of their own and love to share them and teach you if you’re interested. And they always seem to have something interesting hidden away somewhere inside…there is always treasure to seek out within them.

Yes, that They I’m referring to is you. Just realized I should have been saying ‘you’ LOL…well, I finally got on a roll…you know how that is. But anyway, that’s the good I see and experience of you. You are honestly one of the most interesting friends I’ve ever had. I don’t mean that in a But She Has A Nice Personality kind of way, you surprise me often, and I love that! You’ve had some crazy adventures  and I love hearing about them! And even though you sometimes sell yourself short, you are someone I look up to and admire, and would like to be more like.

Now, with that being said, the other side of the Heather Harris Experience (just thought of Jimi Hendrix there….LOL) is that sometimes you can be very abrupt…sometimes your honesty is brutal (but then sometimes brutal honesty is necessary), and sometimes, I just don’t know how to take you because I haven’t yet deciphered your particular brand of sarcasm…those little nuances that are unique to you that take time to pick up on. 

But Heather, what all this boils down to is that I just love you to pieces…even if I don’t always ‘get’ you…because you ‘get’ me. I can talk about things with you that I can’t talk about with, say, Someone Else, because you know exactly what I’m talking about and where I’m coming from…and you wouldn’t write me off as heading to hell in a handbasket because I Went There...(sorry folks, location joke (; )

There is so much good in you that I am willing to take the bad right along with it. I understand why you are the way you are sometimes, other times I don’t…but that doesn’t matter to me, I know it’s something I’ll learn in time. You are a worthwhile investment of my time, my energy, my resources, and my heart and I am so very, very grateful that God brought us together. 

This concludes the trip on the Real Express. Please wait until the ride has come to a complete stop before unfastening your seat belt and moving around the cabin. We hope you’ve enjoyed your experience with us and that you’ll travel Real Express again soon. Have a nice day and thank you for choosing Real Express.

Ok, that was kind of dumb…but thanks for asking me this question…a million apologies for taking so long to get this done…and I hope that this answers the question satisfactorily.

Love you always,

Dawn <3

The Emptying Nest

I feel funny writing something “empty nest” related. I mean, I’m not even 40 yet and our youngest just turned three. But, as it often is with blended families, we have the whole gamut here in age ranges: 20, 18, 16, 10 and 3.

We’ve had our share of difficulties over the years, some unbelievably hard…the kind that can kill a marriage and rip a family apart. But, by the grace and faithfulness of God we weathered each storm that came our way…unfortunately, not completely intact but still, not completely destroyed either. There is still hope.

Now we are entering into what will be a very long season of nest-emptying. The oldest is moving out by the end of the month. I wish that it was happening under better circumstances, but choices were made and consequences followed as is the way of things. The next oldest, although he doesn’t live with us, is leaving for Marine boot camp (HOO-RAH!!) in September…and going all the way to the other side of the world in California.

All these birdies flying the nest cause me to become quite introspective. As most parents do, I have many regrets. All of our good intentions didn’t always turn out the way we intended. And some of the issues we had to deal with along the way made it excruciatingly difficult to be the parents these fine young men needed. Now, they are about to enter the big, bad world on their own.

They will make their own choices…how much that reflects on us and our parenting skills is not quite clear for me. On one hand, we, as parents, have had set before us the task of teaching them right from wrong and to model how to be a responsible and productive citizen. We should teach them to be compassionate and care for others, to be good stewards of God’s creation, and to have impeccable integrity. When we succeed in those areas, they can learn well…and when we fail in those areas, they learn as well.

Then we have the other hand…

They will make their own choices…

And, chances are, at least some of those choices would not be ones we would make. Or possibly choices anyone should make. These young men are perfectly capable of making good choices and being responsible. Whether or not they do is up to them. It’s hard to let go and let them be themselves.

I am fully prepared to be proud of their successes. That part is very easy. But how will I react…or respond, rather, when they fail? I don’t want to sound like I expect them to fail…it’s just a fact of life that people in general make mistakes and fail at things. And when you’re a young adult out on your own for the first time, the world can be a minefield of potential mistakes. How do we respond when they step on one of those and - God forbid – get hurt?

Natural Consequences are wonderful teachers. They do a better job of teaching than Advice From Parents. I don’t know why I get so irritated when the 20 year old asks for advice then does the complete opposite. But then, the nurturing part of a parent’s heart doesn’t want to see their children get hurt and wants to swoop in and rescue them when they do. It’s so fine, that line between helping and enabling!

Really, the best advice I can  think of is to remember that God is in control all the time. And when His children, which is exactly who our children are, mess up, He is there to gently correct and guide and to bind up the wounds of the brokenhearted. My job as parent will move from taking care of the immediate here-and-now needs…the never-ending need for food and shelter and clean underwear and food (did I mention BOY at all?) to a 24/7 need for prayer and support. The trick is knowing how support without hindering or enabling. For that, prayer is also quite handy…as long as I listen to what God is saying…

And so…while I would be fibbing if I didn’t admit that I’m looking forward to Number One moving out, since we don’t exactly get along famously, still, there is a sense of unease and a sudden desire to protect him building within me. Regardless of our differences and the list of things that annoy us about each other, he is still my family. I still want to see him succeed. I still want the best for him. And I am still grieved by the circumstances that have launched his foray into the big, bad world.

Number Two won’t be leaving for several months yet, and we still have his high school graduation to look forward to, his open house to plan, and a summer to spend with him yet…unless, of course, he is too busy working. But, at least he’ll be around and we can see him more easily than when he’s a zillion miles away in California.

My mind, which contains the vapors of mistakes made mere years ago, takes those memories of failures and hairs-of-chinny-chin-chins and weaves them into what could become in the months and years ahead for these boys. I don’t want them to repeat my own mistakes, or the mistakes of their parents…but I can’t control them and micromanage their lives. They alone must responsibly use and manage the freedom that adulthood brings.

So, for now, I will plan on spending more time in prayer for these young men. And start making plans on what to do with Number One’s room when he moves out…

My New Year's Resolution Simply Put: Freedom

2 Corinthians 3:17 (Amplified Bible)

¹⁷Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty (emancipation from bondage, freedom).

What Did You Just Ask Me?

Haven't blogged for a while...the days have been quite ordinary lately. Then one day you get up and everything's like the day before and the day before that and the day before the day before that...until...

In all fairness, my stepson did mention earlier today that he wanted to talk to his father and I after dad got home from work, so I knew something was coming. I really hate it when people say "I want to talk to you later" and then leave you hanging. Opens the door to all kinds of worries and imaginary crises...unless, of course, you're one of those eternally optimistic people who probably imagine winning the lottery, an end to war, a cure for cancer, or even a truly bi-partisan government who can put aside petty differences in order to make wise, fiscally sound decisions that will make all of America happy and blissful once again. But, I digress...

Even with the warning of some impending information that may or may not be good, I was completely shocked. Totally and completely shocked. Still am, really.

So what was this thing he needed to discuss with us? Apparently his mother wanted to come and visit him and his brothers and needed a place to stay...so could she stay in our spare bedroom for just one night?

Really. He actually asked us that. I'm not making this up just to create a sensational blog entry. He actually asked if my husband's ex could spend the night in our home. As if.

My husband was quite to the point: "No." and he walked back down into the basement, where he and the landlord were working on fixing the contraption in the basement ironically called a "furnace."

Thanks.  That left me there...stuck as I was because I was cleaning out our refrigerator, which had taken on a rather disgusting funk that could not be precisely pinned down without removing all of the contents and giving each one the Sniff Test. Loads of fun, really.

Number One really couldn't see what the big deal was. I tried to explain that it was completely inappropriate for an ex-spouse to spend the night in the home of her former and very happily remarried spouse.  Especially when the three of us really don't like each other all that much.  Even if we all had a "normal" (or maybe getting along and being friends isn't normal, I don't know...I do know the the dynamics here are strained and strange) kind of divorce relationship, it would still be completely inappropriate.

I suppose I should mention here that Number One is 20 years old. Legally an adult, yet still quite naïve to the complex issues that plague adults...especially when it comes to divorce etiquette.

Then, to make the Shock and Awe campaign complete, he asks if she could stay in the old building on our town lot referred to as a "barn." It really is a barn, as our century-plus home once sat out in the country.  It probably had animals in it at one time...now it's more of a storage area for I'm not even sure what...it doesn't belong to us, I don't ask questions. Or go in there much.

I said, "Are you kidding?"

 

Apparently not...he had actually thought this out. The plan included something about him pulling his car in there and she could sleep in his car.  In case you are reading this from a nice, warm climate...let me assure you it's quite chilly here in Northern Indiana...in January. I think this would be referred to as "grasping at straws." Although no straws were being extended, believe you me.

I was then informed that we "suck" as he stormed out of the house. Guess we're doing something right if he still disagrees with our decisions...(thanks, Sissy! <3 ya!)

It was truly heartbreaking, once you got past the audaciousness of the whole thing, to witness this young man's desperation to make this trip, which seems to hinge on whether or not his mom can find somewhere to stay, possible. It's been a while since he's seen her. I get that, I really do.  I'm sure right now he, and everyone he tells this story to, thinks we are cold, callous and heartless.  Some day, and I don't hope this for him at all, if he is divorced and remarried, he'll understand where we are coming from. Or at least will have the opportunity to understand.

And honestly, it's very unfortunate that his mother is in this position...however, it is not our responsibility to provide lodging for her. She's an adult, and while asking someone if she can stay with them while she is in town is not unreasonable, asking her remarried ex if she can stay at his place is completely and utterly outrageous.  I certainly hope this was Number One's harebrained idea and not hers. I'm just not sure what I'd have to say about it if she was the one who talked him into asking us that. 

But...I guess I have to give him credit for having the guts to ask it. And for not telling me I'm going to be a grandma. Big kudos for that. Big BIG kudos for that...

I do hope she can find suitable accommodations and that her and the boys can have a wonderful, healing and blessed visit together.  They all really need that. But it won't be happening here. And don't try to make me feel guilty by saying we should extend Christian charity to those in need...Jesus said pray for people and do good, turn the other cheek, etc. but he did not say anything about being a doormat. He wasn't a doormat when he tossed the money changers out of the temple. Jesus is kind and gentle and loving, but he does not "enable" people! 

So, it will be very interesting to see how this all unfolds. I really do hope the visit will work out for them. And I hope for the sake of sanity, peace, and all that is holy and good she plans on not stopping by any time soon. That's just where I am at the moment. God is working on that...I suppose all of this is part of His plan to work that "stuff" out of my heart. But really, God...seriously? Surely You jest...I know all about Your sense of humor...

Lord, please help this mother and her sons to be able to visit together. Bless her with a beautiful and relaxing place to stay in an environment full of your grace, presence and love. And please help Number One to understand why we just can't let her stay here...

Boys

Originally, I didn't want to have children. I didn't want to sacrifice my freedom, I absolutely adored sleep, and I didn't want to bring another innocent life into this crazy world. God had other plans in store for me, though!

I now have five kids...three stepsons - 20, 18 and 16...a daughter, 10 and one boy of my very own, who is almost 3. God is funny like that, really.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, and before I knew she was a she, I was pretty sure she'd be a boy, given her father's track record...and his family's, it's just absolutely fraught with boys...in fact, even at the ultrasound I had just before being induced, to see if she was big enough, they said she was a girl. I said "I'll believe it when I see it!" I was so relieved when I saw that she was, indeed, a girl. At that point in my life, I don't think I could have handled a boy.

I didn't really want to have a boy. Boys are strange, foreign creatures. They like dirt, rocks, army men, sticks and guns and noise. I don't really like those things, so how am I to relate to someone who does? How do I get past the rambunctious, infinite energy...the things that get broken...the dirt...

Two of my stepsons live with us, and we have a long, complicated family history. It hasn't always been pretty. We haven't always gotten along so well. But I've been praying for restoration in our family, and for reconciliation between my stepsons and I. That's a tall order, especially at the stage of life they are in now!

And recently, they all had birthdays. This year the idea popped into my head to make them whatever they want for breakfast. Oldest Boy's birthday was on a Saturday, and the way the day went we ended up having his birthday breakfast for supper...but hey, pancakes and bacon from the best butcher shop around is good any time of day!

The next birthday was for Youngest Boy, who turned 16. He wanted cinnamon rolls, hot wings and chocolate milk. So I made cinnamon rolls...that almost didn't turn out, but then ended up being really yummy...and cheated a bit on the wings, I got frozen ones and nuked them. He said that was ok, so I went ahead and took the shortcut.

And Middle Boy, who is a well-known carnivore, wanted steak and bacon and scrambled eggs and cheese. So, I made a New York Strip steak, two pounds of bacon (like anyone else around would stay out of the bacon...had to make sure there was enough!) and scrambled eggs and cheese. His friend joined him and ate the eggs, Birthday Boy was quite full of steak and bacon.

I got some of the best compliments...the youngest one (who told me his friends are jealous because I make him breakfast every morning before school) thought the cinnamon rolls were awesome, when Middle Boy walked in the house (he's the one not living with us), he said after checking out the steak, "Dawn knows the way to a man's heart", Middle Boy's friend said "why can't my mom cook as good as you?", to which Middle Boy said it's because "she puts a lot of love in it."  That really made my day. Because I really did put a lot of love in all three meals. And I meant it.

I realized after reflecting on all this Birthday Breakfast stuff that I felt rather maternal toward them. I'm not actually their mother, and even "stepmother" is more of a title than anything. I wondered if this is how moms with a bunch of teenage boys feel, when they're cooking their sons' favorite meals. It was nice. God has opened my eyes recently to the wonders of my stepsons. They really are terrific young men. I'm glad that God has put them in my life.

And so, this gives me hope for my own son, who is in the same moment endearing and exasperating, loving and annoying, cute and rotten. I still haven't figured out what makes a boy tick, but I know the way to his heart is through his stomach...thank you, Lord, for giving me the ability to cook! And thank you for all these boys in my life, and what I have learned from them...and what I will learn in the years to come. They have added a dimension to my life I never knew existed, and for that I am truly grateful.